


What the heck is up with Aziraphale?

by FancyTumbles (FancyTrinkets)



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Crack, Ficlet, Heaven, Heaven is Terrible (Good Omens), Heaven is corporate, Humor, Illustrations, M/M, Post-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), PowerPoint, Seven Deadly Sins, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23171929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FancyTrinkets/pseuds/FancyTumbles
Summary: Gabriel accidentally copies Aziraphale on a Heaven-wide email. Aziraphale discusses with Crowley and composes a reply.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 85
Kudos: 451





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Venn diagrams are lovely. Mathematically speaking, this is not a Venn diagram, since it doesn't show all possible relationships among all four sets. HOWEVER, Heaven is corporate and Gabriel ABSOLUTELY refers to it as a Venn diagram. Enjoy!

You'll like this," Aziraphale said. 

He was grinning as he waved for Crowley to come closer, and then pointed to the screen of his terribly ancient, but miraculously functional computer. 

"Look."

Crowley leaned close, brushing shoulders with Aziraphale as he read the subject line of the email. 

"Azira-fail, an explanation..." 

He paused, glanced at the angel, and then looked back to the onscreen message. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

"It's from Gabriel," Aziraphale said. 

He sounded almost gleeful when he added, "They've forgotten to take me off their distribution list. They sent me a copy of his slide presentation. And it's delightful!"

Crowley read further in. 

"It remains our hope that further study can shed light on what he has become. Until then, be advised to avoid him at all costs. And remember: Aziraphale puts the three "f"s in failure..." 

Crowley tilted his head and made a face at the screen. 

"That doesn't make any sense. Failure doesn't have three effs."

"It's from Gabriel, darling, of course it doesn't make sense. But he's referring to the attached illustration. His three effs are: falsified reports, fine dining... and fornication."

"Oh." Crowley nodded. "Seems to be... incontrovertible proof, right there." 

He gazed at his dear companion. 

"You're completely effable, angel."

Aziraphale smiled fondly up at Crowley and began to type a reply: "Dear Gabriel, Go 'f' yourself..."

* * *

**Image description**

Title of Presentation: What the Heck Is Up With Aziraphale?

Presented by the Archangel Gabriel

Produced in consultation with Archangels Michael, Uriel, and Sandalphon, and presented in co-sponsorship with the Metatron, which — And May I Remind You — remains the Official Spokesperson of God the Almighty, and speaks on Her Behalf.

Diagram with four intersecting circles, labeled clockwise from top:

Faulty Nature (a Bad Angel)  
Proximity to Adversary (Demon)  
Weakness of The Flesh (Years Spent in a Body)  
Earth Stuff (Humans)

Intersection of Faulty Nature and Proximity to Adversary = Sloth

Intersection of Proximity to Adversary and Weakness of The Flesh = Lust

Intersection of Weakness of The Flesh and Earth Stuff = Gluttony

Intersection of Earth Stuff and Faulty Nature = Pride

Pride + Sloth = Falsifying Reports

Pride + Gluttony = Fine Dining

Gluttony + Lust = Fornication??!

Sloth + Lust = Cuddling

Center of Diagram, place at which all circles intersect = Aziraphale has scary powers we have yet to explain.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of people asked about the email reply, which I hadn't actually thought about. But now I have. It's all very silly. Apologies in advance. You've been warned.

Barrattiel, angel of (tech) support, realized the error right away. And it was a big one. 

As requested by Gabriel in the immediate aftermath of the failed Apocalypse, Barrattiel had revoked Aziraphale's access codes to Heaven's servers and canceled his AetherNet account. So, that was all taken care of properly.

But, unfortunately, Aziraphale had been terrible at his job in more ways than one. He hadn't always followed access procedures correctly. Sometime within the past decade, Aziraphale had used a non-standard email address to contact Heaven — specifically, a Netscape address belonging to his human persona (humansona), Mr. A.Z. Fell, Bookseller. This email address, Barrattiel now realized, had not only NOT been scrubbed from Heaven's records, but someone had saved it to the all staff contact list.

Which was officially Not Good...

...because it meant that Gabriel's message and slide presentation, sent to all staff, had also been routed to Aziraphale, on Earth.

Barrattiel really hoped no one would notice. Maybe the ex-principality didn't check his email regularly. Or better yet, maybe he'd blocked all incoming messages from Heaven's domain. Or maybe he would read it and simply decide to delete it without replying. Barrattiel wasn't particular about the mechanism by which it happened. What mattered was the outcome: ideally, that this little oversight would never make its way back to the archangels and no one else would be the wiser.

Unfortunately, this was not Barrattiel's lucky day. A reply from Aziraphale was about to appear in the inbox of every angel in Heaven. The message was no more than a subject line, simple and quite to the point: _Dear Gabriel, go "f" yourself_. And if, for some reason, further clarification was required by the recipient, a crude illustration — thrumming with demonic energy — had been attached.

**Author's Note:**

> I made the silly diagram last summer and posted to tumblr. No one noticed at first and then all of a sudden the notes started rolling in... so I wrote an accompanying ficlet. And now I've been asked to consider posting to ao3, so, by request, here it is! :-)


End file.
